The Imposter Inside
There are some days when I feel like I’m not myself. I don’t quite feel like I’m anybody really. And so at the end of the day, when the night has settled and fatigue is hanging off my eyes, I can’t help but wonder, who am I really? Do I really belong at where I am today? Am I even worthy of being here at this school?
It’s when these questions flood in that the anxiety and unease sets in. The collection of inadequate feelings settle into my bones and continues to feed the growing self-doubt I have. I’m not quite sure when these thoughts came into my life, but it’s now nestled into its routine, coming into my mind especially late at night. Perhaps I would feel that they were more manageable if they didn’t confront me every time some feat was accomplished.
You’re in McCombs! One of the top schools for business! But did I really earn my way in? Or was it some stroke of luck that brought me here? I can’t help but think of the time when somebody commented that I had an increased chance of getting in because I’m a girl. Am I just a token, checking off boxes to fill some institution’s quotas? It’s every single accomplishment and positive feeling made into a fleeting moment of satisfaction before plummeting into a dark abyss of doubt.
Dena Simmons assured me in her TED talk “How Students of Color Confront Impostor Syndrome,” that I wasn’t alone in feeling this way. In fact, she enlightened me through revealing her own experiences, telling her story of how she and many other students of color face similar battles. She talks of how students of color may often develop imposter syndrome when they don’t feel emotionally supported in their learning environment, something that Dena is working to fight against for future generations of learners.
The Ailment
So what exactly is this condition? Imposter syndrome. It’s the collection of feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that continue to persist and invade the mind, no matter how much evidential success there is. It can show itself in a variety of ugly, yet subtle ways to people. For me, it’s feeling uncomfortable and unfamiliar in my own skin in most career-related situations. When most people imagine a person working in the business world, they’d likely imagine a white male in a suit. After all, the business world is mostly male-dominated. But here I am, an Asian female who is nothing resemblant of this image. That factor alone can be more significant to how one perceives their worthiness to belong somewhere than you might expect. It manifests and shows itself to me in the subtlest, yet loudest of ways. From school classrooms to professional workplace environments, the feelings of incompetence and doubt grow into the imposter syndrome.
The Elementary School Learning Environment
As an elementary school student, I was only a little clueless. My mind wandered pretty easily, and sometimes I easily got lost in my head. My mom noticed this, and being the concerned, caring mom that she was, provided me up with supplemental learning centers, tutors, and stacks of workbooks. Eventually, all my long nights of solving practice problems and her dollars spent paid off (haha), as grades were finally improving and for once, I actually enjoyed learning. You would think that little me would be extremely proud of herself upon receiving her first 100 on a math test, and you’d be right. At least up until I heard a snide comment of “she’s good at math because she’s Asian.” I was too young and naive to understand it at that time, but that comment stuck over the years. Doubts over doubts wore me down over the years, all from one person’s comment.
Was I actually smart, or did all my achievements boil down to just my ethnicity?
Do I really have a good work ethic, or was that all in my head?
Did they choose me because I’m qualified, or because of something else?
Is my intellect enough?
Am I enough?
We’re Not Alone
These sentiments aren’t isolated occurrences. Approximately 70% of people will experience imposter syndrome at least once in their life. It can start from attributing success to external factors to having fears of not being able to achieve perfection, eventually growing to become a constant feeling of doubt. And even when success is presented, it feels like a hollow victory, like maybe you didn’t deserve it and you’re really a fraud, just trying to cover it up from others. The more you accomplish and do well, the more afraid you become at being discovered by others as the fraud that you are.
Imposter syndrome manifests itself typically in people who have perfectionist tendencies, women, and people of color. Dena Simmons addresses this widespread epidemic in her own life, growing up as a woman of color who originally came from the Bronx and made her way to become an educator and activist at one of the top universities in the country. She speaks of her experiences and moments where she felt she didn’t belong, despite her great success.
“I have eternal imposter syndrome. Either I've been invited because I'm a token, which really isn't about me, but rather, about a box someone needed to check off. Or, I am exceptional, which means I've had to leave the people I love behind. It's the price that I and so many others pay for learning while black.”
But she’s aware of this syndrome that she carries, and works to try to prevent the same from occurring in others. By creating safe classrooms for children of color, providing them the emotional and physical support to make them feel welcome and safe, she gives them an avenue, “a way that teaches them to trust their instincts and to have faith in their own creative genius.”
And just as Dena Simmons works to unwind her own feelings of imposter syndrome and help to prevent it from occurring in the others, we also must try to untangle ourselves from our own doubts. Awareness is perhaps one of the most recommendable remedies to help diminish the symptoms of the condition. Watching Dena’s talk allowed me to understand that I’m not in my head when I have these thoughts and doubts. What I’m feeling is recognized and even common. Instead of feeling that I would have to further hide the inkling suspicions I have about myself away from others, I should communicate it with others. We can find solidarity through our shared struggles in recognizing and accepting that the expectations of perfection we hold ourselves to are detrimental. From this recognition, we greater expand our capacity to appreciate others for showing their authentic self rather than shaming them, ultimately alleviating us of this burden over time. In the end, we’re all human with our vulnerabilities. It won’t be easy to unwind ourselves from our typical thoughts. But it’s a start.
Until next time we connect,
Jessie Park
TEDxUTAustin
About the Writer
Jessie is a second-year Accounting major at the University of Texas at Austin. She grew up living half her life in Portland, Oregon and the other half in Austin, Texas. Alongside watching TED Talks, Jessie also loves writing, sending memes to friends, and watching TikToks until 3 AM! Fun fact about Jessie: Her Patronus is a salmon (are you kidding me)!